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retreating into the words and worlds I haven't had

somewhere i exist.

part I - art

it's been a long time since i've sat down to try to write something and i don't know if this will even make it, but i'll try.

i've been grappling with centering myself in my life a bit, and in a world of social media the pressure to be out there, to make sure i am seen, has felt more like a pressure to keep up that has always felt discouraging, isolating, and stressful. Especially as an artist this comes with pressure and an obligation of momentum that i don't feel i am prepared for at the moment to take on. i want to be ready, but i have also am coming to terms that my time isn't fully devoted to just one thing in my life. To see one thing through to the scale of comparative success i see of other artists, it means sacrificing time and attention with something else and i haven't been ready.

To keep up, what are you asking me to give up?

i have been enamored with the incredible creations that people are making, and have been finding myself as I scroll on Instagram seeing others than being the one being seen, but there's something that is really nice about that. sometimes it's mindless, but then i find someone that brings me awe, admiration, fuzzy feelings, and joy. i feel a deep appreciation for the effort i know others are making, and the joy they're experiencing by the community and monetary success they've cultivated. It reminds me of compersion. i may not have that, but im being better about weeding out some of the discouragement and defeatism it used to give me.

i used to get motivated by having an idea and knowing that if i created it and showed it to the world than maybe i would finally get my notoriety by being the first one to do it or the only one, but i think that that perception as of late has been humbled by the sheer scale of our connectivity across social media and also my reflection of what that intention means. There is a rush to the end in that intention, and i find more excitement in my ideas than in the process. That's something i'm trying to unpack because in some of my work and projects i fall out of love with the work which makes me sad. Or worse, i never see it through. Not seeing an idea through, especially when the excitement pours out of me, feels like a false promise once it leaves my evaporates into nothing.

in this sense, i am very much turned off lately about creating a sense of excitement for something, unless its done already. maybe this speaks to unfulfilled hopes, and trying to cultivate something better in myself and what i can control with that cynicism.

part of this exploration has been me trying to understand and find a foundation of putting myself out there without the feelings and intentions that i am competing and comparing myself. Another reason is to channel my excitement through the work. At some point, that channel rerouted to ideation than the practice itself. i don't really know yet why that happened or how to get back, but i feel in a more confident place that i can get there. im giving myself the time and grace and trust that i can get there.

ok well i think that this is something.


the image you see here is a space i imagined with MidJourney

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